Holden Christopher

March 21, 2007

8:32 p.m. ~10:00 p.m.

Today we spent some time thinking about our first born son. Holden would've been two years old today. It's funny that so much has happened in the last two years, but it still feels like just yesterday. I can remember rushing to Indianapolis on March 2oth to be with Krystal. I remember what the nurses looked like and how her room smelled. I remember seeing Holden for the first time that night when they did an ultrasound. I remember the doctor asking Krystal if it was OK for dad (Brandon) to come into the room so that he, too, could see him kicking around. I remember how great it felt to be thought of as the parents of this little one and how honored we were that Chad and Krystal had chosen us. I remember sleeping very little that night as most of my time was spent praying...praying for a safe and healthy outcome for both baby and birth mommy. I remember how it felt to be told that they were going to have to take the baby and that we just needed to hope for the best. I remember what every inch of the operating room looked like and how time seemed to move so slow during the delivery, but so fast once he was born. I remember how it felt to name him, have him baptized, and hold him for his brief 88 minutes on this earth. I remember us sharing that time with Krystal and my mom and dad and sister and then with Chad and Brandon's sister. I have often wondered if time would start to erase some of these memories, but I think that a part of my heart will never let them go.

Today we went to the cemetery and took Holden a Happy Birthday balloon. I was worried about how I would react, but I think that the last two years have taught me a lot about myself, my marriage, my family, and about being a mommy.

• I have learned that Brandon is someone that loves so much, protects with everything he has, and is always there when he is needed most. He is my rock.
• I have learned that two brave, strong women have loved us enough to trust us with two beautiful little boys...what an amazing gift.
• I have learned that we have the most amazing families and friends. Not everyone has experienced the love and comfort that we have during the times when we needed it the most.
• I have learned that pain and grief make the happy times so much sweeter.
• I have learned that Carter is the answer to our prayers and a blessing beyond anything I could have ever imagined.